search me: the runner

Retreat, run away; that’s always been my modus operandi! It seems to work for me, until it doesn’t.

Running away from problems seems to be what I do best. It usually works for a while. Sometimes the problems catch up with me and other times, they just disappear. I definitely like when the latter happens.

Everyone knows, by now, that I didn’t have the best childhood. I once told my father that I didn’t like the fact that he drank all the time. He walked to the refrigerator, took out a beer, popped the top, took a long swig, looked at me and said, “It helps me relax.” I honestly believe that is when I realized that sharing my opinions was useless. Due to the things going on at my house, I moved out and got my own apartment two months after my eighteenth birthday. I didn’t eliminate the problems at home, I just left them there and retreated to a place where I didn’t have to deal with them.

A few years later, I learned some personal information (maybe one day I’ll share) regarding my family. I brought it up to my mother one day when we were on the phone. She refused to acknowledge the issue and hung up on me. Because this information also involved her siblings, she confronted them and everything got blown up. For a couple of weeks, my phone rang non stop, people yelling and accusing others of things. This is the second event that made me realized that facing the problem and trying to solve it was pointless. About a month later, I moved to a new city. Yes, I left my hometown and moved away because I couldn’t handle all of the drama. I didn’t speak to my mother’s side of the family for about fifteen years. We have since reconciled, thanks to Facebook and unfortunately, my grandmother’s death. But the issues between myself and my immediate family are still not solved. Without involving my mother’s family this time, I once again brought up the problems from my childhood to my parents. And, once again, things did not go well. They do not want to face the issues or try to resolve them and I’m not sure that we could at this point. I have not spoken to them since.

My first marriage, that was something. My husband wanted to be married, but live like he was single. Separate bank accounts; his stuff, my stuff, etc. When I tried to explain how that made me feel, he didn’t care. Needless to say, I did finally run away from that situation too; I got divorced.

Looking back, I guess my M.O. wasn’t always to run. I did speak my mind and share my opinions. I guess I only ran when that didn’t work.

With a more recent situation, however, I did just cut ties and run. Maybe it’s because the relationship I had with this person was never a close one. I’d say we were more acquaintances that have mutual friends. But, when things got tough there too, I just removed myself from the situation without saying anything to the person. Maybe, I learned that confronting someone doesn’t always go my way. Maybe, it was because I didn’t want to create more conflict. I really don’t know why I didn’t say something. After all, the Bible says that if a brother sins against you, go and tell him. I guess that would have been the Christian way to handle it. Perhaps, I just thought it was beyond help by the time it had gotten to a certain point. Since this person is still in my life due to the mutual friends we share, I am sure we will eventually have to work it out. I believe it would be easier if I knew why this person did what they did. Aha! How am I supposed to know if I don’t go to them and ask? And if I explain to them that I feel what they did was wrong? What is the worse thing that could happen? Definitely something to think and pray about.

I guess maybe it’s time to stop running or ignoring the problems and start facing them.

#theChristianlifeisnteasy #prayforme #heregoesnothin

via Daily Prompt: Retreat

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