I don’t remember everything. I constantly ask myself, why can’t I remember? There are pieces of my life that are a blur and there are pieces of my past that haunt me like a ghost. Some of my friends say it’s selective memory, I only remember the things I want to remember. If that’s true, why do I remember so many bad times?
I remember my fifth grade play. I was a popcorn vendor in Ciro’s Circus. I remember my costume and I remember the song we sang and when it was over, I remember him telling me how awful I was.
I remember turning fifteen. We were going out to dinner to celebrate. I remember him being late and showing up drunk. And I can remember the embarrassment I felt when he passed out in the booth before our food even made it to the table.
I remember how he would yell at her. I remember she would cry. I remember how it made me feel scared and helpless.
I remember how his friends were always around. I remember how they would leer at me when I’d walk by and I remember the times I was unable to walk by untouched.
I remember the house, dark and gloomy. It was never a home.
I don’t remember love.
The ghosts of my past haunt me, but they do not control me. I will focus on the positive, I will focus on the happy memories that I’ve made with the ones I love. I will continue to make memories for them, so that when they grow up, they will not be haunted by their past.